March

February 28, 2009 (letter to the Birthing Group)
Also, I laughed to read your ironic relationship with "drowsy but awake!" I know! that one always kills me. Of course, the moment Sava is shifted position (especially being lowered into the crib), she startles awake into full fighting mode. That is the whole reason I slipped into the habit in the first place, of nursing her on my side, in our bed (mattress just on floor) until she falls asleep suckling, and then ever so very carefully, like a ninja cat, slip my boob out of her mouth and ease ever so slowly out of bed, making sure to leave consistent pressure on the bed until I am off of it and able to ease the mattress up slowly and controlled, inch by inch, with my arms. It is pretty ridiculous actually. "The zen of slipping out of bed undetected, while your baby continues making phantom sucking motions into thin air, and you chortle with (silent) glee at having foiled them once again!!"
I am finally like "This can't be the rest of my life."... Also, since she has started to roll, I can't really in good conscience leave her on an unsecured surface. So I will try to start establishing a "go to sleep ritual" that doesn't just involve nursing... and we are going to try for the crib! I will let you know how it goes.

March 3rd, 2009 SOLIDS!
The other day, I was looking down at your face, and it was crying, and a little salt tear had formed at the end of your lash and I put my finger to it and tasted it (yep- salty) and I was struck with the thought- that your tear, and your eyelash for that matter, had all been constructed out of my tissues, and out of my breastmilk. That that tear was really just re-constituted breastmilk, because up to that point, the only think you have ever taken in (other than the occasional gulp of bathwater), was ME.
Well, that has all changed, now, because tonight, you ate your first non-mom food group. GERBER’S ORGANIC BROWN RICE BABY CEREAL. We got it on tape. You seemed to enjoy it. (not surprising, considering the extreme interest you have had lately, in watching me eat stuff, and grabbing for my spoons, etc.) We decided to start feeding you solids for three reasons. 1) 5 months is a good age to start new experiences (you are more malleable a person than you will be in a few months) 2) I am hoping it will help you sleep through the night better 3) You seem to be very curious, and ready for new experiences.

March 12, 2009

We are going through kind of a rough patch right now, where five months of broken sleep are catching up to me, and I feel a little evil on the inside. So it is finally time to get you out of the family bed, as much as I love sleeping next to you, your warm little clingy body next to mine, I think I will be a better mother during the day if I get some solid sleep at night. See, the thing is, by this age you are supposed to be sleeping through the night, with maybe one nursing- but since you sleep right next to me, you have gotten into the habit of just snacking all through the night. You can wake up around five or six times a night to nurse. It sucks, literally. My poor breast feel like wounded soldiers, marching disconsolate and bereft behind the others, emptied of all purpose and reason. They are sad, limp, hollow things. You never give them a chance to fill up again. You are a little piggy.
So, my cherished one, I am booting you out of the bed, and into the crib which we have put right beside it. You need to learn how to go to sleep on your own, and stay asleep through the night. That is a skill everybody must learn at some point, and now is your time.
But it is hard. My heart breaks a little. It is like the first crack in the undifferentiated blob that is YouMe. Pretty soon you will be 13 years old and you will just absolutely hate everything about me and you will sneak out of the house and be caught applying mascara in the school bathrooms before class.
On a lighter note… I fed you your second different food today….. organic Sweet Potatoes out of a little baby jar. It was quite cute. You seemed to like it okay. I am feeding you while you are standing in your exersaucer, and you seem to be enjoying taking little bites, and then going back to playing with all the toys, and then looking back at me and eating a bit more, etc…