Poop: in your mother's words

last night, i came home from work at 9:30 (so early!!) to find an overwhelming stench of human excrement wafting down the stairs. Instead of proudly trumpeting my spicy chocolate ice cream treasure to (what I had imagined would be) an adoring and grateful husband, I raced upstairs to find Jamba forlornly scrubbing the sides of Sava's cribs with antiseptic spray. The smell was noxious..I gave a little dry heave.
Me: "What happened????"
Jamba: "I swear tonight I came so close to ending her puny little life. After taking her out to buy new shoes and a new dress, getting ice cream, and then taking her to the playground and letting her go down the slides, coming home and making us both dinner, and then putting her to bed, I finally laid down on the bed in exhaustion. I heard her call out a few times, and then silence. I got suspicious and went into her room and she had, in that space of time, pulled handfuls of poo out of her diaper and smeared it all over her shirt, into every crevice of the crib, all over the walls. She even flung chunks of it across the room. It's everywhere. I thought, at least it looks like her dollies and stuffed animals escaped, but I turned them over and she had smeared shit all over their faces."
Me: "Oh my god. Jamba. I am SO SORRY! That sucks. Here, get out of here. Let me finish it up at least. Go take a walk. Ummmm.. do you want some chocolate ice cream?? It's really spicy! Maybe it could take your mind off it"
Jamba: "Yeah, I don't think I could really eat chocolate ice cream right now. But... thanks. I feel more like throwing up. Sava's lying on the bed. I made her take a freezing shower and I think I scared her a little. I was SOOOOO pissed at her. I think she got it."

There were some feeble "mama's" coming from the bedroom, so I went into our room to find Sava just lying there quietly on her back, looking up at the ceiling. Since she started to crawl, I have never seen her lie so still in one place for any length of time. I chastized her gently and then told her that I had to go finish cleaning up her poo, and that I was really really unhappy about it. She nodded penitently.

So then I spent an hour on my hands and knees scrubbing dried poop off the floor, crib, etc!!!! What fun!!! I am really glad I had a big glass of that delicious red wine after work, and that I had been in such a good mood all evening that I was still kinda floating over all the horror. And I was shaking my head and thinking about Nico's skunk incidence from last week (I got home at 11:30, let Nico out for a final pee, and she ran directly into a skunk- I was brushing my teeth at the downstairs sink and thinking contentedly of bed, when I looked down to see Nico blinking her little eyes furiously and foaming at the mouth. "You can't get rabies this quickly", I remember thinking for a foggy micro-second, and then the wall of smell hit me like a sonic boom- Fresh Skunk, I learned, smells a little bit like Skunk but more like burning rubber tires, and I ordered her into the tub in a panic (the bathroom stills smells so strongly of skunk a week later) closed the door and ran upstairs to find Jamba so we could spend the next two hours scrubbing Nico in the warm midnight air)  and wondered "What have Jamba and I done to deserve all this, these lives of toiling scullery maids???"

We acquired dependents.
Sometimes, at certain times in the weary day, I don't recommend the habit.

Just kidding, Sava- we adore you and Nico and you are worth all the pain. But seriously.. what's with the poop smearing?